I give up, I surrender, this reality is unacceptable and cruel. I don't know what to do. My bravado is gone. I am no longer strong. Do not like this one bit. I want to give it away. I do not want to be strong. I want to scream. I am screaming... No, No, No, this will not do!
Too many years behind me. Too many memories catching up. Too many responsibilities ahead of me.
Cruel and unusual punishment. No one can do anything about it. I hate that I have to go 'through' it. I have already been through it all year. How can a body that is a survivor proceed? How? I know it is done everyday. It means nothing to me. I do a 2/3 full laundry once a week, sheets + towels alternate. I shop, if you want to call it that, and end up not wanting to cook anyway. I clean up because I guess I must, me and the house.
There is no present moment. That escaped me too, gone. I do know how to smile and laugh, you'll see. A big cosmic bad joke. Just doesn't seem right, everything off kilter, with a foot note that this is how it must be. At least for a while. I'm living in a tomb. I want space to breath. No, No, No, this will not do!
sending love.
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