The Next Smack Down

Friday, Sept 14th (early a.m.)

Richard, Dear Lion Heart, you would be proud. 

Receiving condolence cards is hard. Hearing Rich's music pop up on Pandora is not. I don't know why. Being out of the moment is impossible. Being in one place at one time is the only thing I make an effort to accomplish thru the day. Maybe this is Zen. Don't know. It is almost less painful Being Here Now than anything else. BHN is what got me thru most of the year.

David N and I conspired to get me rolling again with the Pelotonini Thursday! He was attentive and saw I had enough 'socializing' at Danville PEETS (out of the moment) and we chatted as we rode back to the start. It felt good to ride and I imagined feeling strong again riding in the east bay hills. When I first got back on the bike in 1998 and learned to ride up Tunnel, I dedicated that effort to my sister Betsy (Liz). I have a memorial ride planned for Rich, a sweet loop in those lovely redwoods. The dappled light and straight trees bring life back to me.

I am thinking that I may need people here again. Yesterday afternoon I was at loose ends then Suzanne told me to come to her house for dinner. Ron made Portuguese Soup and Biscuits. I wasn't moving too well, stationary free fall into a bottomless void. I could have been tired from getting back on the bike. I didn't feel tired from riding though.

One pedal in front of the other.

Friday: Tough Day (end of day)

Dealt with the van. Found the second studio key on the van key ring along with Rich's house keys. Got a call from the mortuary, ashes and death certificate ready to pick up. Called in the cadre again… Sara, Jan & Suzanne, then later Helen. 

'Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this Mama said.' 

Maybe it's better to get hit while you're already on the ground. Not so far to fall. Super woman had her wings clipped.

Anyone in the Market for a van... let me know. RIch was desperate when he brought it not long before he died. Drove to LA to market his photography, transmission went out, he was in pain, then paid more for the transmission than the van... my fruitless attempt to stop the last minute insanity. 

Today I tried to accept the van delivery as a gift but I proceeded to break down. I tried to convert my anger and upset about this van and all it did was make me angry about everything the medical community told me that wasn't true. He looks well. He is up for chemo, he's got months not days, he's going quicker than I originally thought, he'll last days, not hours. I tried to believe them. Rich defied them all. Only his family and a few close friends could see how hard he fought to be normal. 

It is crazy how close anger and grief live to one another. I am a tough cookie, and I know I will move past this upset, probably in time for the next smack down.