My boys are Richard

my daughters are Richard

In describing loss and death there is a distinction, and there is no comparison.  One has the potential for being temporary and replaceable, the other is over and done except for the space it leaves between your ribcage and your lungs there is nothing left.

When June 25th came around I was not celebrating my anniversary any longer, though I will never forget Rich's birthday, and our love. We married on his 23rd birthday. I took my ring off shortly afterward, 36 years later. Early after Rich's death I wondered aloud to our childhood friend Dan, how I would know if and when the occasion of that removal would occur. The clarity of the day surprised me, 'Alice, you are no longer married'. We have our love still. Rich left me a boatload, in addition to my own capacity to love, and my boat was unanchored.

Loss on the other hand is a sadness and grief that can be permanent or it can be a place to be filled in. Loss is a lesser grief depending on the value of the loss.

Spouse, father, grandfather, brother, friend. All connected to him experienced Richard's death. But only I make the decision how to manage being a 'widow' and all that that implies. In addition to my personal grief is how I move in this redefined world among my family and friends, among my bicycle community, my work, my neighbors and especially my daughters and grandchildren.

I have a special status having been a married person for most of my life.  Unique even. Qualities not found in others, and no chance of repeating. I have resources and energy as a result and I am a powerful person in many ways because of the love and struggle of my life with Richard. 

My twins just had their 7th birthday this week.

My boys are Richard. My daughters are Richard.