WHAT'S GOING ON?

NEXT… 

(Tuesday)
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Getting everything done and NOW I'm at a standstill with what I say I want. Bike, Travel, Write, (I am writing) draw, photo (yeah, photographing too).

The NEXT day… 

(Wednesday)
Sonny: 'Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.'
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I think of that quote because Suzanne, Ron and I watched the video together when they were trying to take care of some part of me after Rich died. Suzanne is a California sister, specifically a Maxwell Park, Oakland sister. Suzanne and Ron are moving away.

When I was looking up the 1st quote, this was 2nd quote…

Evelyn: 'There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws.'
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Yesterday I posted a photo of my backyard on FaceBook. This is my garden, what I see from my back window of my house. The planter boxes are new. I have been planning and working on them for a week but wanting them since I had a garden in the late 80's with the kids. I have fully enjoyed this process. That is up until yesterday. But I took the pic anyway because it looked sweet from a distance. I needed the distance, but didn't know it till today.

I am experiencing anxiety. Took a while to distinguish it from depression, mostly because I have managed not to leave the house since Monday evening, except for a short jaunt around the block to Joel's for dinner Tuesday. Today, Wednesday, I 'had to' drive Summer to get a manicure, my heart was racing during the outing. Her's was too when she realized where we were.

There is still unfinished business to manage, beyond the planter boxes. I had pictured that the final battle was almost complete, that I have responsibly taken care of everything but very few loose ends. I just fricken want a break for a little while and enjoy my yard, my retreat.

Back to the photo I posted… Cris asked if I painted the stairway. My short answer was, 'Nope'. But the longer answer popped so fast into my head it almost knocked me over.

The answer is NO. I like the natural look of distressed wood so much better than stained or painted. But that didn't get me into a writing frenzy as much as a reminiscence of the multiple conversations about this very topic with Rich. Rich didn't like the worn look. There were delays 'fixing' the situation and of course I wasn't going to contribute to moving it along.

Grief. Not the death kind but the living kind. I don't feel any more inclined to power wash and stain the steps now than I did then. This brought on a devilish grin. Dark humor. Good Grief.

Today, I learned yet another lesson, which lead to the 1st quote. Not only is it ok to cut myself slack, there is probably an underlying reason for feeling like a slug for the day. I wasn't being a slug, I was resisting doing anything for the day. Active resistance. It was difficult but there was no option. I still have things needing finishing, and it's ok.

Remember the sentiment that used to be on bumper stickers? 'WWJD?' What would Jesus do? So, it hit me. WWRD? What would Rich do? What if I died first? It took 19 months to come to this question. Just saying. Rich isn't here to walk the rest of the course with me.

WHAT COURSE WOULD THAT BE? However long you have been in a relationship, what ever kind, you know when the honeymoon is over and the real relationship begins. Natural, or painted? Is this new realization, 'getting back to normal'? What would I know about that?! I was married since I was almost 21! This time is a journey of discovery. WWRD?