What?

NOW!

Think I'd get a breather? No. What is my 1st reaction? I can't breath. I was planning on down time when my duty was complete, or so I wishfully thought. Between managing clearing off the white board list of must do items, and what to do next, I decided I'd STOP all activity and go into suspended animation until I came out of suspense. No plan, no direction, just to try it out and see what 'manifests', a new age concept I admit, but the best non plan I could come up with. 

I was just beginning to have creative dreams, rather than anxiety and problem solving dreams. Those lasted a day and then I get more mail. Granted, when I don't breath I don't read very well either, e mailing questions about what I received to the wrong contact people. I found that out AFTER I returned from yoga. 

Yoga. I think I've found a place, time, cost, and teacher I like. Even had the thought, 'wonder if I'm young enough to learn yoga and become a yoga teacher?' Really, what that means is that I've found value. What I feel is my inner self, so transient and often intruded upon can be revived for a time, breathing, the place I wanted to inhabit after I finished all my other stuff. Now.

An added bonus is that because I have time, I find a place to park that allows me to walk before and after the class. Lake Merritt and Uptown Oakland have been so pretty this spring that it is an extra bonus to stroll for a while before getting in the car again! And I can feel the creativity poking around. Then when I got home I actually re-read the mail, for the 3rd time and can see what it says. Still terribly annoying and distressing. But I'm breathing, and writing.

Some things I have wanted, or in some way planned, have come about. Other stuff I thought I might try, land me in cold water. I don't know that proceeding head first will change, but on the other side, while I'm in I won't go right to pulling the plug to let the water out before the body adjusts to the shock of what I just did, again. At least I remind myself I went in for some good reason that I must continue to discover. That thoughtfulness, before I jump or when in over my head, is not simple.

Catching my breath leaves lots of room for laughing out loud, a defense against fear, anxiety and doubt. My laughter is genuine, and disarming. I depend on it. Rich and I both had that laugh in common. A good deep reverberating laugh. Enough to express joy and relief at the plunges we took. And the added ability to forgive one another and ourselves for all the royal screw ups as we progressed on the path.