I have not written as much lately. What I have written I have not posted. Sometimes writing only comes as an out pouring of grief, anger or disappointment. Sometimes it comes in times of promise and hitting the refresh button, but maybe I haven't noticed yet. I am beginning to take notice. It is easier to be sure of grief. Maybe not so sure trusting of promise. Yet I have promise ahead and grief as a platform, so I can be wise and fearless because I did survive and flourish too.
The plans I have made have not all come to pass, yet. The battle I have fought over the last 5 years, the first three years with Rich, the last two on my own, I have won. What a stupid analogy, battle, won. Everything is a war. Was this worth it? There was no option. Now that it is over I have energy to relax.
I am practicing doing very little. For now. I had a three hour lunch today, compliments of cooperative kitchen prep and a few simple ingredients, a glass or two of Gewurzt (Gewürztraminer), and a chocolate brownie and mint chocolate chip gelato to share. Simple and elegant. I could have been anywhere in the world but I am in the hood, transported in my spirit.
I have room now. The shock of death, the clutter of unfinished business, is beginning to settle. The love of friends and family, including Richard, have helped me. Right now I am on a path, more or less of my own making, rather than constantly at the mercy of trauma, a survivor. I can explore, try out geeky stuff without needing to make a difference. What a trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment